Yesterday was Thanksgiving Monday in Canada. In other words it was a long weekend. Today is my Monday even though it is Tuesday. Last week I was on a mostly unplanned hiatus from blogging. I spent the the week in Downtown Vancouver with my Mother who for the first time flew by herself across the country to visit me.
A reality check has taken place for me. That is I am asking questions to myself and actually answering them. In our own minds, we all do this from time to time, discovering what it is that we do, want to do and where we want what we do to take us. The reality is I am sitting tapping keys using my boyfriends pretty computer. It’s got a 20″ screen and a higher resolution than my laptop. It is also twice as fast as mine and really the fact of the matter is my desk and studio room are in such a state of disorganization that I prefer to work out in the living room right now with the view of the mountains, a light blue sky and autumn flora to inspire my mind.
My studio is last on the list for organizing. I have yet to answer all the questions about everything within the studio. There is a mash-up of paper, portfolios, illustrations, designs, brochures, manuals, computers, scanners and picture takers. There are large paintings and smaller brushes with acrylic permanantly adhered to their long cylindrical arms. Bamboo paintbrushes, squirrel, rabbit and synthetic hair paintbrushes and paintbrushes that have hardened after an evening of forgetting to rinse the hair of varnish and paint. I hold on to them. I can stick beads on them to paint. So they will be kept. How does one go about organizing an art room? I organized the rest of my home easily enough over a few days. Do all artists face this creative mess? What do you do with all your past creations? Do you sell them? Do you pack them away? Do you re-invent them? Do you throw them away? Do you feel sad or happy about what you have created? Or is the emotional state you feel the reality of the choices you make about this past artwork?
I think I am simply overwhelmed by the amount of art (for the sake of a better word to descibe penned ideas, sketchbooks, canvas and computer generated images) I have created over my lifetime. I have given so much away to family and friends and even people I do not know. I enjoy doing this. I like to see people smile. I like to give. But living in a state of giving can sometimes wax and wain one’s financial ability to monetarily pay for items needed to survive as a human being.
This leads me to what I am thankful for. Really. I do my best to be honest and transparent. I don’t have anything to hide but fear itself. And who am I being honest to? The person I have the hardest time being honest to is myself. Is this the same for you? When it comes down to it; is it you or me that really matters? Is the individual more important than the whole? The whole can be individual as an individual is whole sometimes.
It is hard to say “no” sometimes as it can be difficult to say “yes” sometimes. I have realized for myself I have developped another way to say “no” by saying “maybe”. Saying “maybe” puts a question mark on the end of the “no”. You are saying “no” right now but are kind of still considering the possibility of what a “yes” answer could entail. I answer maybe more readily to myself than any other person I know, have met or conversed with. Does it mean I’m always changing my mind? Maybe from time to time.
This brings me back to my studio. I am thankful to have my own studio. Who though am I thankful to? myself or someone else? Or is saying “thank you” a description of a feeling that one feels during moments of reflection upon one’s life, or is it a true state of being? A thankful state of being? A thankful human being. People say thank you for all different reasons. People can think thankful thaughts that perhaps never reach a point of concious recognition.
In honour of myself and all those people, places and things that cause me to experience this thankful sensation here is a belated paragraph of gratitude in no particular order to honour that tradition we have aptly named Thanksgiving.
Love because it encompasses all that is emotion. Family and friends. The lime green and orange leaves on the trees outside. My glass of Pepsi. My camera. The brownie I just ate. Life. Breathing. Hugs. Computers. Blogging. Pens and paper. Anomolies in Nature. Dreams… teachers, kids and animals of all kinds. Water, earth and fire. The moon. I am thankful the virus I caught last week is finally dissapating. Cough. Sneeze. Achhooooo. The ripening tomatoes in my garden along with the peppers and carrots. I am thankful to have been an addict. I am thankful to have been sober. I am thankful for the ability to learn, adapt and choose. I am thankful to not be in AA or NA. I am thankful it exists for others. I am thankful I have the ability to contribute to the whole. I am thankful. This isn’t cheese. This is honesty. But you could think, this is a cheesie post. If it were a piece of cheese though, it would be stretched mozzarella in my mind. Yum.
And seriously take a moment and think about what it is that causes you to experience the feeling of thankfulness. It is not always what it may appear to be. It is an emotion one experiences, not just a word to throw around lightly to appease others, including yourself.