This is the 22nd post in our “How I Blog” series. To read the rest, visit the archives. Interested in participating? Drop us a note about ‘How I Blog’ along with a photo or yourself or your blogging space at tips [at] blogmedia [dot] biz.
This one is a little different. Our friends over at The Man Blog offered to share their own blogging manifesto known as ‘How We Blog’. I’ll warn you now – if you’re easily offended, don’t read this.
The Man Blog Bloggers
The real world is a cruel, brutal place where the kind of respect that truly matters is gained either by being born with a huge motherfucking cock, by having smackloads of money, or by owning a gun. Make no mistake, possessing any one of these things will not guarantee success. Nevertheless, it will give you a fighting chance as you kick and claw your way to the top of the pecking order.
However, in this cesspool of retards we fondly call the internet, gaining respect is a different affair altogether. Since we are all cybercreatures devoid of physical bodies here, your cock will never be as impressive as you think it is in real life. Your abundance of money will not help you either since, like the huge cock, everyone here claims to have it. And bullets are powerless to dissuade that anonymous sonofawhore on the other side of the world from mocking your horrendous grasp of the English language.
What does matter in cybergeekdom is the possession of an awesome demesne. And oodles of unique hits each month. And a posse of snarks ready to defend your honor by unleashing their righteous fury upon any asswipe stupid enough to make eye contact with you.
But how do you, the aspiring internet rockstar, even begin building your own barony in this feudal system?
Blogging would be a start. You donÃt have to know a whole lot about computer programming to be able to blog. You can even mess around with your blog design through user-friendly editing programs like Microsoft Frontpage so you wonÃt look like a complete loser. That is, unless youÃre a girly blogger planning to murder innocent bystanders with your atrocious layout and abysmal writing. In that case, you should seriously think about making the world a better place. By getting cervical cancer, for instance.
Yet anyone entering cyberspace would soon realize that the Web is brimming with mostly forgettable blogs jostling each other for readership. And the typical blog reader is a jaded desk jockey with an infantile attention span who will almost never come back to your site if he finds nothing to capture his interest. What do you do to carve a name for yourself then?
Be an Asshole
Consider Maddox and Tucker Max. Why are these men currently enjoying their own cult following, pray tell? Is it because they are the epitome of the civilized human being? Is it because they inspire hope in a bleak world, and love in a dispassionate age? No, you dumb fucks. ItÃs because they are assholes. They are uncouth fucktards who find glee in offending people. Assholes, indeed, finish first. Even the Third WorldÃs pride and joy, Mike Ã¬FuckingÃ® Villar, would probably admit that his fame (or his infamy) grew exponentially when he created his *Atrocities of Friendster* series.
There is no other tactic more effective in attracting readers than offending people. An inspirational piece may get forwarded a handful of times but that woman you just pissed off with your misogyny will email your blog post to all her friends. These friends, if sufficiently offended as well, will forward that email to their friends in turn. ItÃll keep snowballing and in no time at all youÃll find your mailbox blossoming with the unkindest words known to man. If you keep posting offensive articles regularly, offended bloggers will start linking to you as the prime example of a lout. Ronin snarks will eventually find their way to your blog and, if they see you have the cojones, will ally themselves with you.
That, fine sir, is the start of your career as an internet rockstar.
We know that being an asshole is the quickest and most effective path towards the Dark Side of the Force, which is way cooler than the pansy-assed Jedi Side of the Force. In my last article, however, I have proven that it is also the quickest and most effective path towards internet rockstardom.
Contrary to what most people might believe, being an asshole is not at all easy. It requires great fortitude. Those who have embarked upon this grand journey have discovered that the Way of the Asshole is a hard road indeed. Hate mail, flame wars, and even threats of bodily harm can dissuade the weaker ones amongst us from continuing on this path. Yet the beast that you, the aspiring internet rockstar, will doubtless find most difficult to defeat is conscience.
The world, your conscience will tell you, is a place filled with enough suffering and despair. Hence, isnÃt it nobler to offer kindness instead of cruelty? IsnÃt it more natural for us human beings to sympathize with our fellows rather than to antagonize them?
Your conscience would be right, of course. Unless you have a pathological illness or can boast of an extra chromosome, you are likely wired to do the right thing and not be a jerk. Empathy, after all, is one of humanityÃs greatest gifts. So why be an asshole?
Let me tell you why:
Because an internet barony of snarks is not built with gentle hands. It is snatched, piece by piece, from the cold, dead fists of lesser men. It is wrestled, shrieking and cursing, into the fucking ground. It is bludgeoned into shape by blood-encrusted knuckles. It is whipped until it is broken.
Because he who lays the most smack commands the greatest respect.
That said, the only way to defeat the curse of the human conscience is for you to be beat the fucking program. Your conscience is an evolutionary conditioning that aims to turn you into a slobbering pussy and to break away from that conditioning, you, the aspiring internet rockstar, must keep in mind that the people you are about to offend are strangers made faceless by that glowing computer monitor. They are nothing to you. Their personal feelings affect you no more than over-the-counter painkillers affect HIV. Remember, compassion is the road to ruin.
Who to Offend
To help you on your way towards internet rockstardom, I have prepared here a list of potential targets for your pitiless snark machine. Though far from complete, you will find this list growing as you gain more experience in offending people on the internet. Assuming no one murders you anytime soon, of course.
Remember how girls used to ignore you when you were in school? Remember how they refused to go to bed with you? Remember how the fat, ugly cunt who finally did called you the worst lay evah? Now is your chance to get back at them all in one fell swoop! Take that, you cruel bitch who laughed at my wretched penis!
Because they are gay.
Kids don’t know jack shit about the real world. They think the world outside the confines of the classroom is fair. They think that by the age of thirty theyÃll be as rich as Bill Gates. And they are used to rational-thinking adults who handle them with kid gloves. Time to lay some smack upon them and open their eyes to the nasty world they are about to inherit!
Because the rest of the world hates racists.
Your Own Ethnicity
Chances are, the people who read your blog are of the same ethnicity as you, aspiring internet rockstar. This is the perfect opportunity to get your own race to hate you!
Christians are taught to turn the other cheek. Buddhists will ignore you in favor of meditating on the sound of one hand clapping (itÃs similar to the sound of one hand slapping the salami, by the way). Muslims, on the other hand, will place a fatwah upon your heathen head. And that is the height of coolness.
Everyone thinks his music is cool. Dissing someoneÃs music taste will strike very close to home indeed.
Now that you have the basic tools on how to be an internet rockstar, it’s high time you went forth to carve yourself your own kingdom in the wild frontier of cyberspace. In your many adventures, you will find out more ways to offend people. With any luck, you will soon be at the helm of a coven of snarks. Remember to pack iron whenever you physically go out of the house, though. Sarcasm doesn’t stop bullets.
Matt Craven is the former editor & publisher of The Blog Herald. Currently, Matt is the co-founder of Bryghtpath LLC, a consulting practice located in Woodbury, Minnesota. Matt's presently looking for new blogging gigs. Ping him at matt (at) bryghtpath dot com. You can follow him on Twitter.